The Phases Of JooliaMoon

This is a long way from Dear Diary!

Sunday, October 16, 2005

Everything is good.

I exercised all the horses this afternoon. It was a beautiful day and I won't be able to ride much longer for awhile so it was good to get it while I can.

Tonight the moon in the sky was as full as the JooliaMoon right here typing.

Cold Mountain was on again tonight. Watching a movie and having it give you comfort and a bond is just like having an "our song." When you hear that song it all comes flooding back. Liking a movie because you can relate to it or apply it doesn't mean you think the movie is real. It's just things in the movie that relate that makes it a favorite. A favorite not a fantasy.

Some people hear a song that reminds them of a love and lover. I just happen to see a movie that reminds me of a love and lover.

So much of it does. HHH

Tuesday, October 11, 2005

As you know, I had a bad evening. Last night my intention was to come in here this morning and type in every hateful and threatening word you wrote to me. But after a night touched by Light I know that's not who I am. That's who you might be, but I doubt that, too.

I think you're as scared as I am. My fear of the unknown is for him though, not me. I hope yours is too, because come whatever the most important thing is that he find the most important love of his life. Himself.

What he's given you and what he's given me are beautiful gifts we can cherish forever, come whatever. No one can every take these gifts from us. Not the world. Not each other. I think he's given everyone more than he's given himself.

Come whatever, you will be fine. We will be fine. We're women. We know how to be fine even when we're not.

All I want is for him to fine. Well. Healthy. Whole. Happy. I don't mean with me, either.

Today, he begins walking home to HIMSELF.

Thursday, October 06, 2005

It's been a busy couple of days. Each one full of loose ends. I am asking for counsel in bringing them all to good closure.

I have one student who is suffering from what everyone here calls multiparent syndrome. She has a mother, a stepmother, a father, and a stepfather. It's not uncommon to hear the kids say things like "No, I mean my other Dad." This poor little girl seems to be caught up in varying parenting styles between the two couples. She is miserable because she says all her parents do is fight. She can't sleep because they fight. She can't enjoy time with her half siblings because some combination of the parents is always always after each other. Ordinarily we try to steer away from family matters and distract the child with the joys of school as a way of leaving their troubles behind. This situation is very severe though because I've never seen a child so depressed. The counselor is coming to observe tomorrow. I hope she'll have some thought on what we can do.

At the end of the month the 90-day option to buy on this townhouse ends. I have to decide by then whether I like it here enough to buy it or not and then go on a month-to-month lease while they try to sell it and I look for something else. This place is very convenient to town and the drive to work is beautiful. Many of my friends live close enough to walk to. The ski shuttle stops practically right in front of the house. I just don't know if I'm ready to commit to buying something. If I don't, however, I could possibly have to move if they sell it. I'm not fond of big money decisions. Or moving in mid-winter. Maybe something miraculous will happen.

I also have to decide by tomorrow whether I'm going to join some of the others for long-weekend girls' road trip. I'd like to go but I hestitate to go too far away from home in case I'm needed for something here. Though that's unlikely maybe I'll make myself go.

Then there is the man I want to love. I would really like to talk to him. I need to talk to him actually. He's in a bad way, however, and so I didn't get the chance much last night. He was there at TV Night and we did have a little talk but he wasn't in any shape for serious conversation. I did call him tonight but he never answers his phone. He just listens to the messages and writes. I think I'd like to say what I have to say in person. I know I can't just wish him to be well but that doesn't stop me from trying. Maybe that's why I'd like to stay here this weekend though, in case the opportunity for some time with him might present itself.

It's cold here friends! You would all be complaining like nobody's business!

I'm tired and I have some considerable brain spin going on so I'll just make this short.

I love you all and one just a little more.

Love and light.

Tuesday, October 04, 2005

Glory! Tonight was just too hysterical! I went with my group of girls to be a focus group for some of the volunteer firefighters who are doing a Full Monty kind of thing for a town talent show later this month. While it was good fun and very entertaining it was also very impressive! I saw a little bit of this around Labor Day and they were still fumbling because the choreography was very new to them then. Let me tell you they have done their homework! These guys can dance!

Their routine is to the Pussycat Dolls song that goes "don't ya wish your girlfriend was hot like me" but the DJ at our local club got his girlfriend to sing gender correctors like "boy" and hes and shes and he dubbed them into the song so it's correct for the guys to be dancing too. The dubbing was flawless! I'm sure there will be plenty of ladies who would like their boyfriends to be hot like these guys! To know them you'd never guess they could pull this off like they do! Quite literally! They don't get totally nude but they do go down to these shiny little red numbers that barely cover them up front and really don't in back. That skimpy piece of material and those big boots firemen wear. It sounds funny looking but it actually wasn't. Uh, far from it. I gave them all high Bs and one A- for effort. I didn't want them to score too high this far from the performance or they'd stop trying.

They were missing their fearless dancing machine leader/choreographer though, and they said so. They are doing so well because they want him to be proud of them. I think he will be. I'm sure he was sad not to be able to see his dream dancers bring his work to fruition like they have. There is time yet for him to still put his finishing touches on their burlesque!

I missed their dancing machine leader/choreograhper too. Last night I went up to see him but he was in too much pain to see anyone. It scared me a little bit. I did talk to his mother though. They seem to be very different.

Today I was with his sister and we stopped by the hospital where he was having some tests done in an effort to find out how to give him some peace. I hoped to be able to hear from his own lips how he's doing but he was asleep there because he'd been knocked out for the procedure. I was happy for it because I know the sleep will ease his suffering more than any words from me could.

Maybe tomorrow. It's Weekly Wednesday Couch Potato Girls' Night at his sister's house. It's going to be a big night what with the grand finale of So You Think You Can Dance and a new episode of Lost! I didn't go last week because it was me who didn't feel well. I have to bring a dessert and I better start looking into that right now because it's already bedtime!

I love you all and keep thoughts for you. The sick getting extra care and special treatment in my thought process.

Monday, October 03, 2005

School's out and I'm just going to blog early today because I'm nervous and would like to fill my time. I'm waiting for news about the outcome of a difficult afternoon for my friend auBoy.

I know he was hurting this morning because I just read his blog but he hides all his pain so well. When the class was up at his ranch this morning nothing of what goes on inside him shows. He was great with the children. He is a born parent and served as a fine mentor for the young minds looking up to him today. He told us all about llamas. That they eat only a little bit of hay compared to what a horse eats every day. How llamas can carry provisions on camping trips. How they "koosh" when they get crabby and don't want to do what they are being asked to do. How they can spit when they are mad or scared! How they can pull a cart or a sled. How they have personalities more like a cat than a dog but they still don't like to be alone, that it's not a good idea to ever have just one llama. The friend doesn't have to be another llama though. A llama would be fine if it had a horse or a goat or some other animal as a friend in the same corral. How they make good "guard dogs" in small herds like sheep because they are big enough to scare away coyotes and other predators.

Then he pulled a primary book from where he had it hidden in the back of his jeans and climbed up on the fence and started to read. The children were all oooing and aahing because all the llamas wandered to him to hear the book being read! He made them all laugh when he turned the book around so the llamas could see the pictures! Just like I do for them.

The last llama part was when he gave all the children a kazoo of their own and he, his son, and his nephew all hummed into their kazoos and a few of the llamas hummed back! It was fantastic!

The pumpkin patch was quite an experience too. We learned all about growing season and how to keep pumpkins from growing too big or how to help them grow as big as they can. Each of us chose a pumpkin to load on the truck and in two weeks we're going to have helpers come in and we're going to carve the faces we make on them. We're also going to clean and bake the pumpkin seeds we save from the insides. I don't hold out much hope for pie after all those little fingers get after those pumpkins.

Everyone also got a little walk around on horseback. They were impressed when their teacher got in the saddle and did a little fancy fancy equestrian action for them. I wished my legs were back 100 % so I could have knocked their little socks off with a running mount or something. Ah well, next time.

For lunch we cooked hot dogs of all kinds on sticks over a big fire that was also cooking corn on the cob and potatoes for us. Cowboy T.J. is quite a campfire cook as well as a gardener! It was nice that he was prepared for my little vegetarians in the class too.

I wish I could put the pictures I took of the children up here but school privacy policy forbids that. I was only able to take their pictures because I remembered to include a yes or no clause in the permission slip. I think I will have them make ornaments with their photos. Here's a picture of me auBoy took for me though. See how tall the llamas are! They wear the orange bandanas at this time of year because it's hunting season and hopefully any hunter thinking they are a deer will notice and not shoot.

All that excitement in the morning made for a wild afternoon. It's so hard to settle them down after being free! We made it though and we drew pictures for a thank you in the afternoon.

Until next time, I love you all.

Sunday, October 02, 2005

Hello Friends in Santa Barbara and elsewhere,

I have to wonder why the most complete person I have ever met thinks of himself as incomplete. It is true he has some problems brought on him by a life of circumstances but it's not by any fault of his. In fact I can hardly fault him at all and before anyone in the stands starts yelling "biased" because yes, I want to love him, the opinion is not just mine. There is no one I've ever known as ready, willing, and able to work on their problems with the dedication and desire he does either. I've never heard him place blame even once. He just carries it all and every so often he scores a point in the game of life and he smiles. I love his smile. It's soft, easy, and genuine. The only thing better than his smile is his little laugh. It's shy like he is.

Tonight was the second time I've seen him fall asleep in public. Yes he does that. I know enough about the situation to understand that when he does he is hurting and or hiding. I wish he had enough self to be able to disappoint those expecting him to be here in town and stay home instead and do whatever he needs to do in the comfort of his castle. Tonight I think it was physical pain. He's got some chronic medical issues too. While it was good to see him I would rather he stayed home to feel better. Seeing him make himself a little nest on the floor of a busy club doesn't seem inconsistent with my life though. He's just a bigger beautiful kindergartener looking to comfort himself.

I have both his nephew and his son in my class and tomorrow we're going up to the ranch where they all live to visit with the animals. They also have a whole acre pumpkin garden and each of my little charges are going to get to pick and then pick one all their own. Field trips are always fun. I hope and pray he is feeling better so this one has something for teacher too.

He is not so far away, his being a pantheist. Our universes are the same just named differently. All I can do for him at this point is keep asking the Light to shine on him. I know he welcomes it in his striving to be well. I know he seeks the guidance and just naturally lives in harmony without effort. So my faith extends to him and for him to have gotten this far the Light just must be strong in him. I ask any of you willing to include him in your thoughts.

Tonight my thoughts are of him. Tomorrow I will have happy tales of happy children playing with animals and pumpkins.

I love you all.

Saturday, October 01, 2005

Hello California ! ! !

I hope this blog idea will help me stay in touch with all of you. I have enjoyed reading the blogs some of you already have. I'm late to the table but I'll try to catch up.
Here I am this summer, two days before my accident, exploring the great wide open of Colorado. I was very excited on this day. New job, new place, new adventures. Little did I know within hours of this picture my life would change drastically forever! While the accident was tres scary I want you all to know I'm just about all mended now and if I am truthful I would not change a thing about what happened. My faith provided for me and we all know how I feel about my appointed deliverer.
This was a fabulous week. First Day last was one of the best days I've ever spent. Quietly momentous and jubilously monumental. More about that once I get the hang of this. Days like that one are what form us and guide us to our duty and destiny. I am prepared. Where I am led in this journey I will go joyously.
School could not be better. I have a very small class and all my children are little old souls who make me laugh all the time. Out of the mouths of babes! I have a brace of parents always ready and willing to help so I don't have much to do at all except focus on the children. My colleagues have all been loving, caring, and helpful. I am blessed.
They say it could snow any day now. It often snows here in September and October. All the better to get those lifts open by Thanksgiving Day! That is just far enough away to finish my physical therapy and hopefully hit the slopes with the rest of the crowd.
Speaking of Thanksgiving, right now I'm not sure if I will be back in Santa Barbara for that holiday or not. The time is so short and the flying is so unpredicatable. I will be back with you all at some point during the Christmas break though. So beware! I'll come bearing gifts!
Wow! This is tiring. I feel like I'm writing an essay for school! Some people make this look so easy but let me tell you, it's not! I'll just ease myself and you in then and stop for today.
More tomorrow I hope. Take care of yourselves and see after my folks would you please?
Love you all and peace be with you,